Jaffa Cakes vs Jaffa Cake Bars

Observe the Jaffa Cake. Dry, staleish sponge under a sharply orange sticky jelly, and everything topped with dark chocolate. Apart from tasting good, there are some textural pleasures to be had from these. (The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who take their food apart, and those who don’t). jaffa cakes

The chocolate is just the right thickness; shelling the cake of its chocolate is easy and with minimal stick (I hate sticky).

The exposed jelly is tangy and dense enough to be peeled off the cake and eaten alone. One bite or two?

The dry sponge is stiff enough to hold its own, not too sweet; it’s only a vehicle for the chocolate orange toppings, but it offsets them just nicely, balances them out.

Now, check out the Jaffa Cakes Cake Bar. jaffa cake barIt’s rectangular because it’s a bar. It’s a cake bar because instead of the undersweet dry sponge vehicle, there’s a seriously over processed slab of sickly cake supporting the act. The type that turns to sludge in your mouth.

The chocolate is the same darkness as the originals, and they’ve cleverly made it the perfect shelling thickness again.

The orange jelly is no longer a jelly. It’s still got the same great flavour, really strong orange like you never get in anything any more. It looks like a jelly, sitting there nakedly bereft of chocolate, but when its surface is scraped or penetrated in any way, its true paste nature is made known. Sticky paste.

Why would they do this? Why? I’d rather buy a snack pack of 5 jaffa cakes than have another pack of these things.

A Little Greenery; or, How Bad Can It Be? The Green Skull

Let me be clear. A little rubbish is good for you, if only as a reminder that you like the real stuff better. Of course, I’m talking food (or am I?)

Take the Green Skull for example. Here we have a green, heart shaped lollipop. The sugar kind, not ice. As well as the expected sugar, corn syrup, and water, it contains the worrying green habernero sauce, and vodka.

Green Skull Lolly Green Skull (3)

Those ingredients are worrying because it’s a lolly and if something is going to claim to taste as outlandish as that, then you know it’s going to either taste foul or fantastic. No inbetween. But is it for real? Is that real habernero sauce? Is that why the green colour isn’t as true as, say, Stan Lee’s The Green Goblin?

If you look at the product properly, you can see it’s in a homemade-ish press seal baggie, with a printed but homemade-ish label. Its ingredients are straightforward; no E numbers, no random chemical names. No Sunset Yellow.

It’s nicely presented, and was received by my friend and fellow author, Tommy B. Smith at an Oklahoma writer’s convention. His cautiousness towards eating it should be commended. It’s probably best not knowing. But having assessed the product as a whole, I’m willing to bet that even if I don’t like it, it won’t just taste like chemicals.

The thing is, if I spoiled the product by eating it, then it wouldn’t exist any more, and it looks quite lovely.